Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
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Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Goat cheese is for herders.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you