Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
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There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.