I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
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Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Only Americans understand
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
You got this…