If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
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Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Oh no
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!