I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
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Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something