Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
You Might Also Like
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like