Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
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When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.