Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
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I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
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Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
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I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.