@bragosi Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
@Cornjerker78 Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
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@bragosi 
@girlontapas I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
@DosieDoe I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
@with_a_ph23 Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
@StarWarsProblms Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
@Muggernaught Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
@CorkyCrashed I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
@lizard_wizard77 “i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
@KyleMcDowell86 Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
@HousewifeOfHell Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?