Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
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The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Love this one 😂🧟
that colleague who touches your screen
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married