Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.

Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.

Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?

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Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away


I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.


I had a race with a smart car today.

I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.


Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.


Leia: I love you.

Han: I know.

[gets frozen in carbonite]

[two years pass]

[gets unfrozen]



Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.


I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.


“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee


Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats


Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?