Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
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My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
asking santa clause for nudes
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Cha-ching is my safe word
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”