Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
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I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
he’s doing your taxes
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Husband of the year 😂
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening