[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans

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May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]


1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”


Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?


Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.


I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”

‘Bob, that’s a cat.’


Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.


*Decision made

I was thinking of being narsysistic.

But I can’t spell it.

So I’m going to be vein.


*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business


I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.