I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
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What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
I wish I were this cool 😂
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Every photo I’m tagged in
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.