*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
You Might Also Like
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
definitely did not do anything wrong
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket