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After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
You know…for fall…
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
This came to me in a dream.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies