I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
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“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
#damn
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
What even happened today?
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person