It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
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‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
listen closely
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese