my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
You Might Also Like
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok