If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
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*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds