A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
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Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
pizza
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter