My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
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“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Boating season is upon us.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?