Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
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Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
sigh
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
I put the mess in domestic.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*