studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
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[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Time heals everything 🙂
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me