One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
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Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good