Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
You Might Also Like
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”