Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
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I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
awkward
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.