awkward
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My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.