“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
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Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.