boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
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Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!