If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
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Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.