Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
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People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Morning my dudes.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it