Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
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[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Sell your car
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.