On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
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I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Not😆🤣
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Brother?
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.