So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
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cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.