Holy crap this is wonderful
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The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
“just sayin” who asked you though?
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths