Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
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Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Aaaa…CHOO!
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.