mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
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I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.