I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
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I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.