Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
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I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline