My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
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9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
A short story of betrayal:
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water