My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Deer are just ballerina dogs
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Put the is in disheveled
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️