I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
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Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs