Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
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No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back