Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
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The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’