my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
You Might Also Like
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it