People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
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5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.