The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
You Might Also Like
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Watson was Holmes schooled
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.