Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
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I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it