Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
You Might Also Like
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her