Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
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Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours