The Sun’s probably Asian.
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If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Social distancing in Australia:
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”